I never conquered
Rarely came
Sixteen just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide
Too late to try
The tour was over
We'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

The harpoon's loaded, the cage is lowered

It's 10pm and I really should be sleeping. Gotta wake up at 5am tomorrow.

Week 1 relieving this teacher is over! From my experience so far, I think I can safely say I'm definitely not gonna take up teaching as a profession. At least, not primary school teaching.

3 more weeks till the March holidays.

The weekends always pass so quickly :( I had a good weekend, though. Yesterday my mom and I visited my cousin and her three girls. They grow up so fast! Strange to think my eldest niece is already in secondary school. My second niece is, of course, as affable as ever, and the youngest is a real charmer. She is so very intelligent for her age! I'm not a baby person at all but I couldn't resist playing with her and laughing at her antics. She is sooooo cute! Forgot to snap some pictures.

Then my folks and I had zi char for dinner. I love zi char! And there was chilli crab. Yummers.

February is drawing to a close soon. Where does the time go?! Are we really almost two months into 2014?

March is gonna be busy busy. There's an open house on the 1st and 2nd, and results on the 3rd, and Mayday freaking Parade on the 6th.

Oh my God, it's just hitting me. I'm going to see one of my favourite bands next week. Holy shit. I honestly think I'm a very lucky girl. My favourite bands are all from the other side of the world but I get to see three of them- Pierce The Veil, All Time Low and Mayday Parade (If You Me At Six comes too, maybe soon I can get to say I indirectly went to Spring Fever Tour).

Of course, I'll always be heartbroken that I didn't get to see My Chemical Romance. I know I need to move on, but it's hard. I can't even listen to their songs without feeling that hollowness in my chest.

Anyway, on with Mayday Parade. It would be a dream come true if they played Jersey, You Be The Anchor or The End. Or all three songs. Ahhhhhhh. The feeling of knowing you're going to a concert is one of the best in the world. I simply can't wait!!!! -hearts-

And then there's results.

I have so many mixed feelings about it. I was very calm about O levels, but when we were in the hall looking at the screen for the top scorer names and just before I was about to receive my results, I felt this sense of dread. And that feeling of knowing you screwed up one of the few things you just have to be good at is... Yeah. Not a good feeling.

I feel like I have no clue at all what any of my grades are gonna be because everything is just so unpredictable. And that's what makes it so scary. Really need to pray hard.

Good night! Have a great week ahead everyone.

When you go,

Would you even turn to say, 

'I don't love you, 

Like I loved you,

Yesterday'?

Passe

1. Love overcomes all odds. My love for salads overcomes all odds. I am not sure what odds.

2. My momma brought home a bag of peanuts that her school pupils harvested on their rooftop garden and it's SO good omg I have never tasted peanuts so good before. She didn't even do anything to them, just salted and steamed them and it was like heavenly.

3. I created a Neopets account on Sunday hahaha I really have nothing better to do. Main reason why I did it was so I could collect points for playing Hasee Bounce otherwise I'd feel like the points were going to waste. I love Hasee Bounce. So basically my past few afternoons have been spent listening to emo hard rock albums while playing Neopets.

I have an old account but I can't, for the life of me, remember my password and I created it all the way back in P5, so it's just somewhere at the back of my mind and I can't fish it out no matter how hard I try :( It's a waste because I remember I was filthy rich, had like 40,000 NP (ok maybe not that rich) and lots of cool stuff and my Neopet was really powerful because I made her read lots of books and undergo training for her speed. Sucks.

4. School (work?) is currently bordering on the edge of stressful. This teacher I'm relieving for the next 4 weeks has a really heavy workload compared to the previous ones. And she has like 19 boys in the class; it's a headache.

5. Fact: I find it touching when people confide in me or tell me the truth (unless the truth is something I don't really want to hear). Like even though 99.9% of the time I get flustered and have no idea what to say and you can always count on me to give the shittiest advice, please know that... I feel you.

6. Deja Entendu is an album to die for. Every song is perfection and incredibly relatable and Jesse Lacey's voice is so very unique. I can't even pick a favourite piece.

7. Wumsy flew off to BK. I miss her already :( (Hi wumsy)

Deja Entendu

Attended SMU's SIS seminar with Lum and SJ yesterday!

We were one of the latest to arrive haha but the first hour of the schedule was a lunch buffet so t'was all cool. Then we found out we had to be separated into two rooms according to our surnames!! :(

SJ and I are both Tans so we both went to the case discussion room first, and poor Lum went to the IT Lab first. Then it was 1.5 hours of discussing solutions to a Sentosa case study thing. It sort of felt like... Econs and GP mixed together. Halfway through I felt a bit sleepy and bored but SJ looked pretty serious about it so I was like, ok no fooling around. (When we came out later, she told me she felt like sleeping too)

At 3pm we were released from both rooms for tea and Lum came out from the IT Lab. Her face was black hahaha. When the break was almost over, we unanimously decided to escape from SMU.

The thing is, the pamphlet we received about the seminar was kinda misleading because they wrote 'School of Economics / School of Social Sciences building Level 5' (something like that) so we assumed it was a talk and it was about econs or social sciences. And they called it the SMU SIS Seminar but there was very little info about what SIS actually was. Like we know it stands for the School of Information Systems but there wasn't really any description about it.

We went to the Singapore National Museum, which was just across the road, and there was some pretty interesting stuff there.

Shopped a bit at Orchard Central and had another tea break at CBTL haha. Shared a walnut banana loaf and vanilla ceylon tea with SJ; both were really good.

Dinner was sushi and tea from Cold Storage, cheap and good. So yumz.

Pictures

Steamboat at Et's house with Jiams and Dt :)

CNY Day 2 selfie

Lobster sashimi Before & After (hahaha)

Tuan Yuan Fan! 

Pretty lights at Bugis one random night with Wums. 

Lianne's burfday! 

Dad caught a grouper at the farm and we brought it down to be cooked for our zi char dinner :)

Chinatown with my folks one weekend night

Cafe with wums

New Year's Eve haircut

Tiong Bahru with Lum & SJ

Idk why the pictures are all from latest to oldest. Oh well

The coastline is quiet while we're quietly losing control

1. Morning session next week! Yesh. And I'll only be teaching one class for all my 32 periods. And it's till the end of the term. So hello boys and girls, we're gonna become real good friends for the next four weeks.

2. Teaching English the past week has allowed me to broaden my horizons and learn more about the English language than I ever knew. In primary school I was a complacent little brat and I never ever paid attention in English class. So I never knew what the official purposes of a semi-colon or a comma or a colon were; I just used them as and when I liked. (See, I just used a semi-colon! One of the main purposes of a semi-colon is, in fact, to join two simple sentences together to form a compound sentence. A semi-colon also marks a longer pause in a sentence than a comma. TADA. Thank you, P3 English textbook.)

Sadly, some of the kids were just yawning away. I don't blame them, though I did feel just a teeny weeny bit disheartened since I was doing my best to make the lesson interesting. Personally I've always found English classes in primary school boring too. I tried my best! There were also kids who looked interested and were actively shouting out answers anyway. Aww. I really appreciated the support :')

I actually think English is my favourite subject to teach so far. Like I actually derive a sense of satisfaction from it. But, nope, still don't think I'll ever want to be a teacher. I really don't like yelling at people every day.

3. I am finishing East of Denver. Shakes is going to be evicted from his land with his Dad. The growing garden was ruined by hungry deer, overnight. All that were left were tomatoes. Everything is going downhill; I'm scared to see how this story ends :( (Semi-colon again. Man, I'm good at this.)

4. Breakfast time, buh-bye

Give em hell, kid

If you were here
I'd never have a fear
So, go on, live your life
But I miss you more than I did yesterday
So far away
So go on, show me how
But I miss you more than I did yesterday


1. Sometimes people say "let's meet up sometime" or "i'll see you real soon" and you say ok but somehow they don't text or call you and so you wait and the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into years and one day you just sit down and happen to think of them and you wonder why they never called you. And you're afraid to ask them why.

2. I'm in the mood for some coffee and a walk. I need coffee I haven't had coffee in really long.

3. I was craving cherry tomatoes so I went and bought me some, and got some honey lemon as well. It was a lovely afternoon spent in front of the TV.

4. The entire week seems to be crawling by, probably because my day starts at 5.30pm every day. But I still definitely prefer working in the mornings. And on an unrelated note, tomorrow's Friday! Yayyy. Not sure if I'm doing morning or afternoon session next week. The next few months are gonna be busy busy cause of work. Can't wait

5. I've been going to bed at exactly 10pm at night every day this week, right after the news on TV. While I've missed the late nights scrolling through Tumblr or watching a good movie on my laptop, sleeping early has its perks. Like I've learnt not to waste time, and get everything done before 10pm every day.

6. Guess who's got a Valentine for tomorrow?! Not me. Har dee har har

7. It's kind of weird not being in school for Valentine's. Like usually Valentine's falls on a week day so girls would be going around the school finding their friends passing notes, chocolates and little gifts. I'm always on the receiving end and not the giving end hahaha sorry I can't bake or produce pretty artsy things (Excuses, I know)

8. Oooh full moon tonight

Timothy, it's the farthest you've ever flown

Listening to Get Born on stereo (again). It's so very very touching :( The feelS. It goes from really hyped to melancholic and almost sad again. It's like a wake-up call placing Come Around Again right after Cold Hard Bitch. Like the hangover after a really good party. (Not that I would know anything about that)

And a lot of the songs have similar melodic structure actually and some are even in the same key but you can always tell them apart through the emotions you feel when you listen to it, like oh ok this is the Happy song, and this is the Let's Dance And Go Crazy song, and this is the Sad song, and this is the Life Sucks song, and this is the Sassy song.

And that one bass note that just booms out the stereo, I love it. Yet to figure out what note it is.

Get Born is just one huge, fun, amazing rock 'n' roll / classic rock record. It's not the most original piece of work out there, but it is memorable, and you will fall in love with it, and come home from work just to sit and listen to it in the afternoons.

Anyway, I'm currently reading East of Denver by Gregory Hill. Really wanted to read those previous books I borrowed, especially The Cook, but they were overdue.

East of Denver is about a man who has to go back to his old home, an old farm near Dorsey, to take care of his senile father. It's slow-moving, but it really talks a lot about country life so it's kinda interesting for me. And there are other interesting characters too.

It's like the kind of book that, if adapted into a film, would either win Oscars for its pure brilliance, or earn Razzie awards and get criticized for being 'watered-down', with 'feigned emotional sensitivity'.

Gonna continue reading now

(edit)

I've been eating a lot lately. I don't know why. I get hungry a lot and my mealtimes are kind of screwed up cause of work and somehow i end up eating like 3.5 full meals a day, one day i had 4 full meals. I can feel my tumtum going wumwum. (And I can hear my female friends reading this silently going 'yessss'.) 

(/edit)

Brand New Mix Tape

I got a twenty-dollar bill that says no one's ever seen you without makeup. You're always made up. And I'm sick of your tattoos and the way you always criticize The Smiths and Morrissey. And I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic, but when I say let's keep in touch, I really mean I wish that you'd grow up. This is the first song for your mix tape, and it's short just like your temper. Somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool. 

True colors

Judging from my blog stats, someone has been stalking me. Own up pls.

I just saw this on the comments section on youtube, no lie.

 

"why the fuck is your youtube name RiseAgainstATL?? what the fuck did ATL ever do to you?"

 

"Rise Against is a band..."

 

"oh..."

I cannot. HAHAHA. Loled like mad. And how can you not have heard of RA?!

Anyway, yesterday was shitty because I fell sick :( Woke up feeling like something was off and with a bad feeling about the day. 

Went out with my mom and just felt really horrible the whole time. I hate being sick! Came home and went to see the doctor (40 bucks omg) and felt a lot better after I took my meds. I feel almost fully recovered now, but yesterday was really hellish. 

All I could stomach for dinner was less than half a bowl of fish soup, and after that I felt like puking. Went to the bathroom and sat by the toilet bowl but all I did was dry heave. It was soooo awful. 

Please take care of yourselves guys! Drink lots of water and eat your fruits and vegs. Being sick really sucks. 

I had a slice of bread after that, and even then, I couldn't swallow properly cause I had a throat infection, which was what was causing the fever. I had to drink water with the bread. 

Oh and the doc thought I was 13 hahaha what the heck. He was writing something down and asked me if I was schooling and I said no and he went O__O and I said I was 18 and he said "I thought you were 13!" 

I'll be posting pictures soon! Haven't done that in a really long time. 

I'm gonna get me outta here

Today was my last day of my 3-week relief teaching!

First lesson was at 11am with a very rowdy P3 class. There was only 10 of them but it felt like 30. Plus I was with them for 2 hours. Plus I made the terrible mistake of wearing a tank with a jacket over it so I couldn't take off the jacket even though it was super hot. Plus I forgot to take something from the staffroom so I had to rush back in the middle of class to grab it.

After my lunch break was my P1 math class. It was chaotic as usual haha. At the end of class I gave them the Yupi burger sweets I bought (Jiams' clever suggestion, I nearly forgot those existed). They were enthusiastic about it but not as enthusiastic as I thought they'd be. The new generation is hard to please. Back then, everyone loved the burger sweets!

And then I was leading them to the canteen as usual and this P3 boy came up and greeted me. He's one of those class clown/troublemaker types that all the teachers get headaches over, but for some reason I like him, I think he's a good kid. He gave me grief the first day, but the next time I went to their class someone said something mean to him and he cried and I was really nice to him. After that he was okay.

Anyways I waved back at him and I think he thought I was offering a handshake and he came and sort of handshaked my hand, I was like omg and I felt soo awkward, especially with all the P1s trailing behind me. Ok it doesn't sound awkward after I've typed it out but it was!

SO yeah. I've nothing to do now :( I think I'll go watch some tv. I felt so bored earlier I wanted to go down for a walk but it was kind of late already. No one's free to go out with meh and my rents are out at a friend's house, so I'm here with the laptop. What a way to spend a Friday night.

I will play my game beneath the spin light

I wrote more postcards than hooks

I read more maps than books

Feel like every chance to leave is another chance I should have took

Every minute is a mile

I've never felt so hollow

I'm an old abandoned church with broken pews and empty aisles

My secrets for a buck

Watch me as I cut myself wide open on this stage

Yes, I am paid to spill my guts

I won't see home till spring

Oh, I would kill for the Atlantic

But I am paid to make girls panic while I sing

And we won't let you in

Though we're down and out

No we won't let you in

And we won't let you in

We don't want what isn't ours

We won't let you in

You win, you win, you win

It kills me not to know this, but I've all but just forgotten what the colour of her eyes were, and her scars or how she got them

"Look before you leap, but look over your shoulder- because that place you're leaping from, you'll never see it again.

Instinct will serve you better than any committee, even a committee of your best friends covened to decide what is in your best interests.

Be careful what you ask for, it'll get you. In fact, if you want it badly enough, it'll track your weary footsteps through the snow and ravage you until you're nothing but a pile of red mush.

Heartfelt experience concentrated to a diamond-like essence cannot be expressed as anything other than cliche. Sorry. This is a fact.

As Bob Dylan once said, 'Keep a clean head and always carry a lightbulb.' I don't know what it means, either.

Most people, as you'll learn, are essentially good; most people, you'll discover, are innately evil; most people, you'll find, are morally ambiguous. Kids, too.

I don't know what the sound of one hand clapping is, but I know it makes a lousy rhythm track.

If a tree falls in the forest, and no-one hears, no lawyers need be involved; with the creation of any other recordable sound, that is not the case.

Life is very short; life is very long; life is as long as a piece of string.

Beware those who moralize their incapacity.

Don't- whatever you were thinking just then: don't. 

Be true to who you really are, unless who you really are turns out to be Adolf Hitler or Ted Bundy, in which case repress yourself as much as you possibly can.

Find your inner beauty and offer it the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of plastic surgery.

If you're scared of clowns, don't run away to join the circus.

All will be revealed, but only if you tuck $20 in her garter.

It happens fast or it doesn't happen at all.

Don't mourn your own life.

There are no short cuts. Let me repeat that: There are no short cuts."

~


Picked up this book expecting to find tales of adventures on the road and lots of tears and laughter. Well, I got what I wanted and more.

In other news, Rise Against is officially one of my favourite bands. I thought I was just going through a phase, like my The Cab phase, but they're so amazing. Every song is a gem.

I don't think I'll love them the same way I loved My Chemical Romance, it's just different. MCR was the wagon I chose to hop onto during my adolescence, and they shaped me in nearly every way possible. I lived and breathed them the same way a lost fifteen-year-old girl would live and breathe an emo hard rock band (And anyone who vehemently denies the presence of emo is either deluding themselves or hasn't listened to I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love. I mean, it's why they're so well-loved in Japan).

But yes, I really like Rise Against.

(Hi Jiams! I updated!)

Rise Against - State Of The Union

Oooooh I just figured out how to share youtube videos via Blogger.

So here's a video of Rise Against playing State Of The Union live. Tim McIlrath's vocals back then were top notch, can't say all the live shows they've done have done nothing to his throat because that would obviously be a lie- you can definitely hear the difference between their 2005 shows and 2013 shows.

Regardless, still an amazing band. One of the best still in the industry these days, alongside the veterans like Muse, Green Day. It's so sad to see a lot of good bands selling out or leaving the scene. Rock music is kind of dying out. Post-hardcore and metalcore are what's trendy these days.

I'll be sad when RA decides to call it quits someday. But in the meantime, let's celebrate this legendary punk group. (1:48 is one of the best screams I've ever heard omg)

Anyways, happy chinese new year!!!

Didn't manage to get new clothes in time since I've been busy working but I've new dresses my mom bought me for work so I'm wearing those instead.

Went to my dad's side today, then after we left, we went to Gardens by the Bay and Marina Sands. Gardens by the Bay is really pretty! I used to wonder what the hype was all about and I thought it was overrated, but after I went there for myself today, I kind of get it. It's definitely something different.

Going to my mom's side and Jiams' house tomorrow yayzza.

(Hi Jiams)

I will soon forget the colour of your eyes, and you'll forget mine

Blogging from the comfort of my desk in the teachers' staffroom. 

Half an hour till my first lesson of the day! My mind feels sluggish, I think it's cause I came back late from the class bbq yesterday. Ok it was 10.30pm but I was so awfully tired. 

Hmmm I've nothing to blog about actually. Haha. 

Happy birthday Lianne!!!! -insert hearts here- 19 years old now, big girl already. Time really flies! Hard to think we were just 12 years old when we first met. 

Ok bye! 

I play the drums in a band called okay

Yeah I'm waiting
It's sad when I'm on my own
They said it takes a long, long time
If it's not too much, could you hear me now?

You promised me, you'd always be
When I wake up, please come around again
Come around again

~

"We all started out as odd- marginally odd fish, within a small bowl (Vancouver, apart from Syph). But time passes, you leave behind your first, second and third set of contemporaries, you travel, maybe you become famous, someone invents the internet, you go online- and you find out that, all along, there were others just like you, that your odd wasn't.

Everyone is an average, if you have a wide enough range of standards by which to judge them. Average serial killer. Average conjoined twins.

The most terrible thing is finding out that The Parents were right in some of what they said. They understood, all along. Their questions weren't really questions; their questions were sewn seeds- were preaching-in-disguise.

'It's very loud, isn't it?'
'Yes.'
'Why does it have to be so loud?'
'It just does, okay? Look, could you step out of my room?'
'But do you enjoy it?'
'Yes. It's the best. Now-'
'Won't you get bored of it, eventually?'
'No. Never. Absolutely not.'
'Why don't you consider getting a proper job? Just in case-'
'Fuck you.'

But the you of Fuck you comes closer and closer to being the true you. And that you can't avoid post-adolescence for ever- and when you become unmistakably middle-aged, you realize you can't avoid saying the words kids today and that you're doing so as a non-kid."

~

This book speaks to my soul.

Mirrors start to whisper / Shadows start to sing

1. Teaching kind of really reinforces my belief that I shouldn't have kids. They're such unpredictable little bundles of mush, not in a bad way, but I really don't know how to handle them. My classes are bordering on the thin line between within and outside of my control, but hey, at least I make sure they get their work done. Though I honestly don't think I'm cut out to be a teacher, it may be too early to say.

Also, a little boy stomped up to me today and said, "Miss Tan, she call me sexy boy!"

2. I finished reading Soft Apocalypse, it's good I guess but the ending was so abrupt! I literally went wtf when I got to a really exciting part then I flipped and realised that was the last page. I thought Jasper and Phoebe would somehow not to have to inject themselves with Doctor Happy in the end, like that's basically dying because they'll be losing their real personalities. I was so sad.

3. There is this Jet song called Come Around Again that's one of my favourites from them, and there's a part in the bridge when Nic Cester's voice hitches a notch and he goes, 'I don't know when I'm right / I only know when I'm wrong', and it always gives me chills.

4. I have developed an exquisite taste for chocolate milk recently.

5. I also kinda miss school. Can't rmb if I've said this before. I mainly miss the little things like doing dumb stuff with my girls in school, drinking teh during breaks, night-studying with xuemin, skipping cca to go to the spiral staircase with fleurette, having impromptu outings to Domino's after school. (perpetual craving for domino's these days)

The crew left the passengers to die under the sea

1. Just had my Twinnings Earl Grey tea. So yumz i cannot.

2. Today was my first day of work at my mom's school, it was pretty ok. A little bumpy, like all first days are, but still fine. Though I overshot my bus stop in the morning and had to backtrack, but fortunately I made it in time.

3. Went to bryan's house yesterday and we played Uno Stacko like 3 rounds, all of us took turns losing haha but the others' forfeits were to post "I lost in Uno Stacko" on Instagram and mine was to watch a horror movie with them :( I regret agreeing to my forfeit. Was too confident. -tears-

It'll be my second time watching a horror movie in cinemas. First and last time was Drag Me To Hell with Et all the way back in sec2 and after that I swore I'd never watch another horror flick on the big screen. Wish me luck pls I need it.

And I fought so hard to escape my forefeit HAHA one of them took a video on my phone of me literally holding the structure up for 5min.

4. My mom texted me at 5.20pm to ask if I'd had my dinner, i dont know why I find that so funny

5. Gonna read the book I'm currently reading now. It's called Soft Apocalypse and it's really awesome, except things just keep getting more dreary and I'm not sure if things are going to get better but it's still exciting.

Goodbye

The downfall of us all

Tuesday was my off day! Got ready early and brought a book with me to starbucks at bedok point where I had breakfast. It's mainly just so I could escape my auntie who comes over every tuesday and talks a lot haha. And tuesday was totally a good day to take an off day because it was Senior Citizen day and it gets really hectic.

Then I met wums and we went to Haji Lane to slack. Camped at Wonderland cafe for like an hour then decided to watch a movie, Bad Grandpa. And she actually went up to the ticket person and said "Two tickets for Badass Grandpa" omg so embarrassing.

The movie was pretty funny, I would recommend it. And the little boy starring is such a good actor!

Yesterday I had work from 8 to 4 which thankfully passed quite fast. Also I found a temp job which is much better than working at fairprice, and I begin next monday so my last day will be friday. Yayyyy. I feel kind of bad about it actually, cause I just found out I was accepted on tuesday night so I told them on wednesday and I expected them to be angry because they're already shorthanded and I told them before I was staying till after chinese new year which is the most busy period of the year, and now I bailed out on them.

But instead they were just really upset and kinda disappointed and I just felt like shit :( Cause honestly some of the aunties there are really really nice. And when I first started out and found out about the shit schedule I was like well not my fault they over-work their part-timers like that, my life doesn't revolve around fairprice. Then I realise maybe they don't have enough full-timers so us part-timers basically have to work full-time as well. Which is really sad. But well, not sad enough to reject my awesome new job and go back. (I would never.)

Then after work I met my dearest Lynchua whom I haven't seen in more than a year! You know the kind of friends that you don't meet often but you would still trust them with your life and when you do meet it's like no time has passed at all? That's Lynnie the meanie bikini for me. -insert hearts here-

We went to Ikea to eat and my pork ribs were good! I ate super cleanly and when I was done I felt kinda gross cause there were literally just bones in some sauce on the plate hahaha felt like a carnivore

We also shared chicken wings and meatballs. I think that was the first time I didn't have their popular ice-cream or hot dogs on the way out because we were both so stuffed!

We wandered around and talked about potential rooms and stupid stuff and admired paintings hahha

Wanted to go to wumsy's workplace after that but I took the last bus I think and it was to bedok mrt so nah I went home.

Work from 2 to 10 today :( wish me luck. At least I was allocated the most slack counter yay.