You ain't the only ones.

Feeling upset because my grandmother came back from living with my aunt. She hasn't been with us for a few months already, she used to stay here sometimes but now she's here again after a really long while and I would be completely fine with it, except for the fact that she's staying in my room. She's always lived in my room, and because of that, I didn't like staying in my room. I don't talk to her much, so it's almost like sharing a room with a stranger. Also, I used to sleep in my brother's room, so I seldom spent time in my own room. Her bed is a sofa bed, and when she's not around, it's this pretty magenta thing that's kinda big for a one-seater, and I like it. There's also a lot more space in my room, in fact it feels kind of spacious. During the time she was at my aunt's place, I started spending a lot more time in my own room. It felt like my room again. I would sit by my window and listen to my music, close my door and sing, and sometimes when I'm feeling high I dance around. I never ever sing in front of my parents; I feel extremely self-conscious doing it. Maybe it's a little weird, especially since they're family, but I'm not proud of my voice at all. My full-voice range is small, and I don't think my tone is pleasant. As for dancing and jumping around, it's not at all a pretty sight. So when I'm in my room, I feel like I can be myself, I can do whatever I like and no one will be there to see me. But now that my grandmother's back, the sofa is gone, as is the spaciousness, even more so after you add in the walking stand thing that she uses to get around. With her also comes the old people odour, and the powders and medicated oils she uses don't help. I'm fine with my grandmother, but now that she's taken up half my room I feel like I've lost something. I'm tearing up as I type, I know it may sound silly to feel so depressed over something like this but I really miss doing things like that. I never realised how dependent on my room I was; home doesn't really feel like home anymore. Without being able to sing and dance freely in my own house unless everyone else is out, it just doesn't feel complete. It also doesn't help that school is starting soon, and I'll soon have to be pouring everything into my studies. I'm not going to be able to listen to my albums on the stereo first thing in the morning. I'll have to tie my hair up, something I don't like doing, I'll have to put on uniform and go to school again. Where will I be without my music? God, I really hope these two years fly past. The best thing I can hope for right now is to find someone with the same interests as me in JC. Or else really, I'll be better off alone. And chinese new year is coming as well. Ugh, I hate cny. I abhore the bright red everywhere, the endless crowds on the streets, the crappy tidbit food, the awkwardness of having to visit, the terrible chinese music that's blaring everywhere. Just, everything about chinese new year. Getting to receive money would be the only exception. I don't even like dressing up. What's the point in it anyway? I look the same every year, just a couple of centimetres taller. I absolutely hate it when people tell me I'm tall like it's a compliment, or when the older generation comments on the lack of meat on my bones. I'm perfectly fine with the way I am, so just back off alright. (for those of you who don't know me personally, no I'm not anorexic) I've never wanted to be drop-dead gorgeous or popular or cool, all I want is to be someone like Gerard or Alex. I want to tell people they're not alone, I want to make a difference through music. That's all I want. But that dream will probably never come true. I have no talent, I was born in the wrong country and I'm not inspirational. That fact depresses me to no end. But anyway, I'm going to convince my parents somehow to change our redundant study room into a room for my grandmother. It probably won't work, but I have to try. I can't help but be an teenager for once. I've had my own room for all these months, you can't just take it away from me now. ~