Hey, Jude

It's a lovely, humid Sunday evening.

Just had my dinner, finished playing my daily three rounds of Hasee Bounce and plans for tonight got cancelled so I'm just sitting here.

Tomorrow is the big day.

I was thinking hard about it as I slurped my spaghetti and I honestly felt like throwing up. Suddenly I could clearly remember that day in Jan 2011. Sitting in the hall in my school uniform, watching all the top scorers and their As flash on the screen, holding tight to my friends, my heart pumping like crazy, undecided on whether I wanted to cry or puke. Then I got my results and it was like... Nope. Haha.

My mentality in secondary school was this: I am from a prestigious school, therefore I don't really have to worry about O levels. I was more interested in hanging out with friends and creating trouble than pushing myself for those good grades. Of course, I studied, but I'd be lying if I said I put in my very best for all my exams in AHS.

It was really a wake-up call when I got my O level results. It was such a diverse range of grades. I got A1s for English and Emath, an A2 for Amath and Bs and Cs for everything else. I went into a mini phase of depression for the next few days, and I told myself, no more fooling around. I'm going to shut myself off from all distractions for the next two years, have as few friends as I possibly can and study really hard.

But of course, JC doesn't work that way. I still had friends, and me being me, I got distracted sometimes. But I guess going to a neighbourhood JC sort of worked because my mindset changed. Now it was the other way round. Every time I did well for a test or exam, I told myself that it was nothing because I was from a shitty JC, and that people from other schools were probably still ten times smarter than me and would ultimately do ten times better than me in the A levels.

I have made great friends in JC and these two years have had its ups and downs, but it's been a good trip. I don't think I'll ever feel proud of my JC, and I guess that's kinda sad, but I'll just have to get over it. I still feel embarrassed whenever I have to tell people what JC I was from. Probably just pride, since I'm Teochew. Hahaha.

Tomorrow I'll get my grades, and I'm not gonna lie and say I'll be content with whatever I have because I tried my best. I actually don't know why people find comfort with saying 'It's ok because I tried my best.' Whenever people say that to me, I feel even worse because clearly my best was not enough, and I'll be like, well, I guess that means I'm stupid and will be for life.

Good for me if I do well, but if I don't, I'll just have to accept that I can't study.

So, off to listen to some Brand New.

Good luck and big hugs to all who are heading to their JCs for the last official time tomorrow!!! Here's some love from me!